I’ve spent the last two hours scrolling through photos of naked breasts. It’s not nearly as exciting as it sounds.
I found out the other day that I’ll be needing a double mastectomy. The long process of getting to the bottom of things has led us here, to the bottom of things.
I’ve processed the information, and I’m doing fine with it. As of now it seems that once I have the surgery I’ll be clear. I shouldn’t need chemotherapy or radiation. So, there’s the good news!
Now I have to make a few decisions about how I will live my life after surgery. To reconstruct or not to reconstruct? To B-cup or not to B-cup?
I imagine a life with perky little boobs. Saline implants that stay in place so well that I don’t even need to wear a bra unless I’m running. There are of course, possible complications, and the implants may need to be replaced more than once in my lifetime.
I imagine a flat chested life. No bras at all, skipping through the streets, jumping on trampolines with reckless abandon. Perhaps I’ll get one of those awesome tattoos across my chest, empowered by the ownership of my decision. There may be, of course, moments of disgust and terror when I look in the mirror.
But what do I need breasts for anyway? They did their job. They attracted a few fine partners. They fed two children. Their work here is done.
My identity as a person is not bound to any one body part. I could lose fingers, toes, arms, legs. I would still be me. Remove my kidney, my appendix, my gall bladder, half a lung, I’m still me.
Take away my boobs. Am I still me? Of course.
I’ve been deconstructing my life for years now, peeling away the layers. I’ve been letting go of all things unhealthy, of all things unkind, of all things ego.
I will simply continue along this path, this obstacle/challenge ridden path. I will continue releasing everything I can, tearing it all down. And I will reconstruct if necessary.
But it may not be necessary.
I can’t really ask other women for advice because ultimately, I know this is very personal decision. I am, however open to listening to all of their stories, reading as much as I can, and trying to process it all.
If you have a deconstruction/reconsruction story to share, please do.