According to the man who is the President of the United States, our military forces might completely obliterate an entire civilization tonight. Some time around 8pm. 

We may be on the verge of World War 3, but here I am, sitting in the sunshine, eating a banana. I went to the supermarket this morning, for just a few necessities. I’ll likely take a walk in a while, and I’ll go to work tonight. My regular privileged little life goes on. 

I feel fine. 

Sure, every so often, somewhere deep down inside of me, a tiny little tornado begins swirling. It rises up from my sacrum to my sternum. My spine tingles. My heart rate increases. My throat tightens. My jaw clenches. Pressure builds up behind my nose and eyes. 

I am a powder keg of impending doom.  

But I am not afraid of it. I am at peace with it. Because I have faith, and I know that I am saved. Not by some magical-mystical-deity. Not by some doomsday messiah. Not by some elusive external higher power. 

I am saved by my breath. 

My panic is a torrent, and my breath is the gravitational pull of the moon. It will calm the rising tide. It will save me from the flood of dread and despair.

Ujjayi breath. My ocean breath. Strong and steady, at the back of my throat. Scraping over my vocal cords, like pebbles scrape across the sea floor. Powerful enough to grind stones into sand. Turning the churning anxiety into a slow and steady ebb tide.

Yes, I am panicked. Yes, I am full of existential dread. But I also feel fine. Because my own inner power can save me at any time. I don’t have to petition an external being and wait for an answer to my prayers. I have the power within myself to save myself. Right now.

Someone once told me that they thought it was arrogance to believe that I am my own highest power. But I think it’s more arrogant to believe that the big mythical being in the sky gives a shit about our tiny individual problems. 

I think it is even more arrogant to believe that a god would bless one living species more than another. 

It is even more arrogant to believe that a god would pick a winning team in a war. Or a genocide. That he/she/it/they would choose a winner based upon how that team chooses to worship it/him/her/them. 

It is definitely more arrogant to think that when this all ends some of us will be damned, and only some of us will be saved. 

So, I save myself with every breath. 

As long as I am breathing, I feel fine. A panicky sort of fine. But fine.