She Vinyl-ly Did It

A Nutley, NJ woman was arrested today for allegedly beating her husband with his record collection. EMT’s arrived at the residence in response to a call from concerned neighbors who reportedly heard “a loud sound coming from the basement over and over and over, for an hour or more.”

The 47 year old woman is currently being held in Newark for questioning after being driven from station to station. The victim was transported to Hackensack Medical Center.

Upon arrival the police found the man unconscious in his basement surrounded by cardboard and vinyl, in what police described as a “hoarder situation”. It was unclear whether he had fallen, but upon further inspection it became obvious that he had been struck repeatedly. They found his wife slouched in a corner clutching the “Dark Side of the Moon” album and mumbling.

“They were nice people. They always waved and said hello.’ Mr. Jones, a neighbor reported. “But lately, there’s been lots of noise coming from the house. Some nights, show tunes would blast from the windows ‘til all hours. Some nights, hard core punk music, yuck. I hate the stuff.”
“And the singing” Mrs. Jones added, “The goddawful singing.’

Another neighbor who chose to remain anonymous said that “something wasn’t right lately. I don’t think it had anything to do with fidelity. They hardly ever left the house anymore. And when they did they seemed dirty and disheveled. I have to tell you that she recently said she couldn’t get to the washer and dryer anymore because of his collection, poor woman. I felt sorry for her. But I started to think she may have really slipped a disk when she started yelling at the mailman. ‘Stop delivering packages here!’ she would yell. Standing out on her front porch, she yelled it every day! I guess she just couldn’t take it anymore, and she finally cracked. Poor, poor woman.”

“I heard her yelling too,” said Mrs Jones. “Turn that down! Come upstairs! over and over. She was like a broken record.”

“His record obsession pushed her to the edge,” said Captain Sensabull of the NPD. “I’ve seen this too many times before. At first everything seems groovy. You can slide off that sleeve, grab onto the tone arm. But once you pick up that needle… It’s a vicious circle, round and round, track after track. It’s like an itch and you just can’t scratch it. It’s so easy to get warped. Eventually, you have to drop the needle. “

The attending physician, Dr. Dokter could not give us any news, but said that the hospital will issue a press release when his condition is more static.

Stay tuned.


One comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s