It’s been several months since I found out there were rogue cells in my boob. At that time the doctor and I decided we would wait 6 months or so, then take another look to see exactly how those cells were changing.
Just chill. Just put it out of my mind and get back to it when the time came.
So I did. I put it out of my mind. It wasn’t like denial because I knew it was there. I chose to simply accept the fact. But I didn’t obsess. I didn’t worry.
In the meantime I continued skipping along on my yogic path. I decided to go sugar free and I began to practice radical amazement.
If a negative thought did pop up I would grab hold of a few deep breaths and talk to my monkey.
Are you entertaining some negative ‘what if’ scenario?
Then stop it.
Are you making imaginary plans for imaginary situations?
Then stop it.
Will this line of thinking have any effect on the outcome?
Then stop it.
Sigh. Okay. I’ll stop. I’ll just breathe.
So I stopped. I just breathed and breathed. And It’s been all good.
But since December 1st, I noticed that I’ve been a little off. My head is still fine, but something is happening in my body. It’s subtle. The aura of an impending migraine. A flutter in my stomach, a quickening heart rate. A deep-down mild sense of a brewing panic attack.
My body knows it’s almost time for something to happen. In the past it would have revolted by now. In the past, it would’ve panicked and declared mutiny on the brain. It wants to slip back into its old patterns.
It’s like when you’re on a long car trip and you have to pee. You can hold it in. You can put it out of your mind. You can turn it off. But as you get closer to home your body somehow knows. Your bladder knows!
You run out of the car. You hope your neighbors don’t want to stop you for a ‘hello’. You fumble for the keys. You bolt inside.
You get into the bathroom. You struggle with your zipper. Will you make it? Will you get your pants down far enough to take a seat, or will you piss yourself right there, standing over the toilet?
Who wins this time? The mind or the body? The struggle is real.
Tomorrow is MRI day. I’m pretty sure I won’t piss myself.
I’m just breathing. And I’m still amazed by it all.
I know about the what if’s. I actually was there recently which prompted my quitting smoking. Fortunately all was fine and the biopsy on the irritation of m vocal chord was benign. However making plans based on possible outcomes while distressing may be required. Because when I went back to my doctor to get the results, if it was what I feared I was going to have to make some choices as to treatment options. Radiation or Surgery. I would have opted for the surgery BTW. I may still have to do it if upon my next visit this hasn’t receded entirely. I had been thinking about you since then and have wanted to say this. Now that you’ve mentioned it. I’m going to say this.
Listen you are one of my dearest friends and I love you. I know you have made decisions about this. I know that surgery is tough to contemplate. You know what I’,m going to say but I have to say it and then I’ll drop it. That thing doesn’t belong inside you. period. Whatever the results of the MRI, have it removed. At least go to Sloan for a second opinion. That’s where someone else I love went for a similar diagnosis. I will get you a name if you want. We’ve lost loved ones to this. All of us. Just as you know. I never could imagine this world without him in it but I face that reality. I don’t want to face a world without you in sooner than is necessary.That’s all. I’m done. Please don’t be angry with me. All my prayers and good vibes go with you.