Keep Feeling Vacillation

People keep asking me how I am? I keep saying ‘I’m good, right now’.
Someone recently asked me if I was just putting on a brave face?

No. This is not a brave face. This is my face. This is my right-now face. Does it look brave? You should’ve seen it an hour ago. 

The truth is, I vacillate. It’s not all sunshine and light. It’s not all inspirational quotes and half-full glasses of magic yoga potions.

I’m always vacillating. Every breath is a pendulum, swinging between absolute acceptance and absolute anxiety. The acceptance comes from past experience and analysis. The anxiety comes from concern for the future. At the center of the pendulum, there is the present moment, and the present moment is good-right-now. As long as I stay in the present moment, I’m good.

I’m good right now.

I have come to terms with the situation just as it is.
——I’m good, right now.
I’m feeling intense anxiety about the outcome.
—–I’m good, right now.
I am still and strong, breathing and typing.
—-I’m good, right now.
I’m feeling terrified and I might vomit.
—-I’m good, right now.
I am amazed and amazing.
—-I’m good, right now.
I’m feeling helpless and clueless.
—-I’m good, right now.
I move through this ever changing world gracefully, joyously.
—-I’m good, right now.
I have no idea how I’m going to get through this in one piece.
—-I’m good, right now.
I am safe from harm.
—I’m good, right now.
I am scared shitless.
—-I’m good, right now.
I trust in the universe completely
—-I’m good, right now.
I’m drowning in a violent whirlpool of random chaos.
—-I’m good, right now.
I am filled with gratitude.
—-I’m good right now.
This whole situation is absolute bullshit.
—–I’m good right now.
I am peaceful and calm.
—-I’m good, right now.
I want to run down the middle of the street screaming Fuuuuuck!
—–I’m good right now.
I accept what is, just as it is.
—-I’m good right now.

And so I breathe. My breath brings me back to the center of the pendulum. It brings me back to this moment. Back to right now. And right now, I’m good.

I’m good, right now.

Keep feeling fascination…  here’s my earworm by the Human League


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